I got a 4 star off Chortle – so how the craphole can I write a blog for Fringepig? I’m better than you now – that’s just how it is. Yes, nine years ago they gave me a two, but you pricks weren’t around then so, y’know. Is it as simple as they wus wrong then and are right now? Yes! Absolutely! Maybe back then the reviewer had been day drinking, maybe he’d seen a horse get hit by a digger on the motorway – I dunno, but he can’t have been well. Now though, now his eyes can see, the scales have dropped. I mean not a 100% obviously as my work is five star through to its core, like a diamond, er, carrot.
You see the thing about being a person of worth, well – everything at the Fringe starts to fall into place. It’s all just little better once people see you are *more* than average. Did you know the Loft bar has a Loft bar? Well yes, yes it does and no they won’t let you in. It’s just above *peoples* loft bar and it’s small, iconic and quiet. Like a parked Mini, but a better analogy. Hey, all my good lines are in my four star show.
Look, (he said, starting his sentence like Chuka Umunna) it’s pretty great up here in 4 star land. Gold taps and crisps in bed, but don’t be bitter – I’ve simply mastered the mainstream now, it’s what I do, I have the cultural acceptance you crave. I’m basically John Bishop if he’d stayed in school, I’m Daniel Kitson but with Russell Howard’s skill with shrugging. I’m on the right side of the line for once, and the line is cocaine. I mean I got a 3.5 in Fringe Biscuit but fuck those guys – take it from me. Don’t trust a website with “Fringe” in the title.