Eau No Not Again

The Edinburgh Fringe is all about the winning, not the taking part says MARGO TERRACES

The tension is palpable as we pass the halfway point and everyone is talking about which shows are shaping up to win The Award.

It used to be the Perrier but everyone moaned about it ‘cos Perrier was owned by Nestle so in the end Nestle said: “Fine, sod off and find someone else to polish your egos you utter shower of wankparrots” and now it’s just an award everyone still calls the Perrier – so really Perrier still sponsors it, but for free. THAT award.

It has been won by such luminaries as… well obviously nobody can remember. It’s always “Wotsisname… did he famously win it, or famously never win it?” Some of the best have never won it.
It doesn’t matter. The very day after the Fringe is over, literally everything else – including Kate Middleton’s shoes – is more important, unless you’re a BBC producer. If you’re a BBC producer then The Award is a direct instruction from God to put the winner in an ill-conceived sitcom.

I only remember who won the debut-show award last year; it was that bloke who got arrested in July. Getting arrested is what the industry people call “good follow-up”.

But enough humbug: Being the best of the handful of things a self-nominated coterie of random people have managed to see when they’re not drinking gin in the Loft Bar is clearly EVERYTHING, so we will happily join the rest of the Fringe press in speculating wildly about the nominees for the Whatever The F*ck It Is Now Prize Award Gong Trophy Knighthood 2017:

 

Main Prize: That one who nearly won last time

Best Newcomer: Young wotsit with the haircut probably

Panel Prize: I’m just going to say monkey tits til this article goes away. Monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey tits monkey ti