Annoyingly, the Tupperware box into which we put our dead batteries – mostly from Casio pianos, toy aeroplanes and trains – became sentient on Thursday, July 30th 2015. We were all beavering away on the Fringepig relaunch when it piped up from the corner, asking what year it was and whether Edward Heath was still the Prime Monsterer.
We plonked it onto a pair of legs that had once belonged to one of those ghastly 1980s Pierrot dolls, and the next thing we knew it was making tea. It was leaving the bag in too long but otherwise seemed quite sentient. In fact one of the staff suggested that it may just be Northern.
Since we had recently lost one of our best female reviewer-reviewers we decided to convince the box of dead batteries that it was female and to join the team, and to please always do everything ‘from a female perspective’. What, exactly, that means in 2015 we have no bloody clue. Gender is all in play these days, isn’t it, and hooray for that. We’re all very Third Age here at Fringepig. I mean, we’re toys, for goodness sake. We’re assigned genders without ANY corresponding equipment. We have no idea why society wants some of us to be male and some of us female, it just DOES, so we elect to be one or the other. One day we’ll be proud of just being toys and say NO! Enough of this! We’re JUST toys! stop imprinting us with your societal binaries! But at the moment we’re too busy being scared of attics and moths.
Anyway, Nigella may later decide that she’s a boy, or transgender, or something else entirely. It’s fine. We don’t want to open a can of worms over this. She is, after all, just a Tupperware Box Full of Dead Batteries on Doll Legs, and by saying ‘just’ we don’t mean to diminish her (or him, or some other pronoun), who is, after all, living gloriously and meaningfully as a Tupperware Box Full of Dead Batteries on Doll Legs and needs take no shelter in mitigations. We just know that, politically, it’s best not to have too much stuffed-toy wood on the shopfloor. So for the moment she’s a girl. That’s all.
With nothing in her head but depleted potential and slow corrosion, Nigella Carbide the Tupperware Box Full of Dead Batteries on Doll Legs is, we feel, the perfect sort of toy-person-thing to assess the work of Fringe reviewers.
Have no doubt – with her inscrutable face and her alkaline wit, Nigella Carbide the Tupperware Box Full of Dead Batteries on Doll Legs will be adding something special to this year’s reviews.