There are half a million people in Edinburgh, and some of them are even Scottish. Sadly, these shy natives suffer massive habitat destruction in August and tend to go to ground. Edinburgh native ELEANOR MORTON will help you spot them
1.Princes Mall Similar to Princes Street, but better when it rains, the mall provides ample foraging for the typical local and, most crucially, has a sit-in Greggs. One of the few central locations where a sighting is almost a certainty. A word of caution if you choose to approach; do not talk about the festival, your show, or how you’ve climbed Arthurs Seat unless you want to be beaten to death with a Body Shop gift bag.
2.The Hive, Niddry Street (after 11pm) The once-plentiful Edinburgh teenager is scare during the Fringe. It is however possible to see a few roaming about flyering for comedians. These flyerers, particularly the females, have an air of tiredness which comes of being hit on by both punters and comedians 24 hours a day, but to enjoy them in their natural environment head to the Hive after 23:00. Here you can watch them enjoy blue drinks and each other’s saliva as part of their mating ritual. Note that Edinburgh teens are very accommodating and will almost certainly get into a fight with you if you ask.
3.Gold Sea Chippie, Ferry Road, Leith The greater lesser spotted Edinburgher will feed from any time between 7am and 7pm. Follow any nearby droppings and they will inevitably lead you to the nearest Chippie. The Edinburgher diet consists of potatoes, chips and / or crisps and many of them can be found scavenging here. In order to blend in well with the species, make sure you know how they communicate. If asked “Salt n sauce?” you should always reply “Yes my good fellow, certainly not vinegar, eurgh, what do I look like, a Govan docker? Eurgh! Eurgh!”
4.Hillend Ski Slope. This practise slope is a popular sporting spot and if you’re willing to hide in the gorse bushes with some binoculars it’s a great place to see some natives. Here you can observe younger locals of all classes scraping the skin off their faces as they fall head first onto the stiff white astroturf whilst the rain drizzles relentlessly down and their parents sit in the car. One of Edinburgh’s best days out.
5.Lothian Road/Pubic Triangle. If you’re interested in witnessing male group activity, head to Lothian Road. An ample selection of strip clubs, saunas and bars means you’re guaranteed to spot at least one coked-up estate agent called Ian. Named after Sir Murdo Pubic, the Triangle is ideal if you want to spot the sort of local who wants to see nudity in a place named after serial killers. Bring a flask and a warm jacket, you may be there all night.
Eleanor Morton can be spotted in Eleanor Morton: Great Title, Glamorous Photo at Stand 3&4  at 12:05, Aug 1-25 (not 2, 13, 20)